"Why I Don't Believe in God", a song by Everclear or the title of my future memoir?

So I'm sitting here, congested and ache-y, on what seems like day 100 of this paradise vacation I'm on, and I'm using it as an opportunity to  reflect on my first month here (tomorrow is our official 1 month anniversary, after all). Today is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year in Israel and the Jewish world. The HOLIEST. And this fact, combined with recent conversations I have had with roommates, has inspired me to write about something that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. And that would be the intersection of being in Israel and my religious beliefs. These beliefs have been gestating in my mind for some time now, but I've never laid them out on paper (er...a MacBook) to examine what they truly are and so this will be a learning experience for both you and me. Please understand that this isn't meant to offend anybody, especially my roommates who are all fasting while I am eating chocolate right in front of them. But as most people feel comfortable publicizing their religious beliefs, I see it only fair that I should able to do the same. Also a disclaimer that this post is long because there is a lot of necessary back story.

To any of you that don't know...surprise! I'm an atheist. For me that means, among other things, that I don't believe in god, in any sort of afterlife, or in the stories told in scriptures. But, as I try to tell my concerned father (and I must say I find it baffling that my disbelief in god concerns him so much, given his 61 years as a free-spirited, open-minded hippie, but that's a topic for another post), this doesn't mean I don't believe in anything. I believe in things, of course...like that people should be honest, caring, and just...I just didn't use a religion to come to these conclusions. I find it equal parts unbearable and captivating when people tell me that they truly believe everything anything written in the old testament. Recently, it is that there is one day (today) in which you repent for all your sins and you do this by not eating for 24 hours, and, depending on how good of a job you did, your name will be written on one side or the other of a book that says whether you will basically live or not.

I think that deep down, I have been an atheist my whole life...I just didn't know that thinking this way was an option. I guess that's what happens when you go to Jewish Day School until 5th grade. I did go through a phase, around my Bat Mitzvah, when I thought I wanted to be religious. I was, after all, the only one of my sisters to go to Jewish Day School and to be bat mitzvah'ed so I thought it was only natural that I should be the one fasting and going to temple on high holidays and actually thinking about the meaning of the prayers we say. But I always felt so empty doing this and so unfulfilled. I guess I didn't question it and thought that it was normal to feel that it was all completely arbitrary. This blind acceptance I did continued all the way through end of high school while I was involved in BBYO (though I did love BBYO and made a lot of good friends there). Finally, I left for college, read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, and, with the help of my now ex-boyfriend, allowed myself to finally come to terms with the fact that I didn't believe in god.

Still, for a while, I continued going to temple on the high holidays because I thought that that's what I was supposed to do. I thought that even if I didn't believe in god, I still maintained that I was Jewish and thus should celebrate Jewish holidays. I thought that since I was Jewish, I should feel Jewish. And I  realized sometime in this past year that I have never really felt Jewish. As hard as I tried sometimes, I can not confidently say there was a time that it was true.

That was, of course, until I went on Birthright last summer. I absolutely adored Birthright. I loved being in Israel and I felt this amazing connection so much that, like one of my roommate's describes, I wanted to kiss the ground. The biggest thing I took away from Birthright was that I can not believe in god and still be Jewish. This was an amazing revelation for me that put many of my concerns at ease. What was the magical answer that solved the paradox of atheism with judaism? Secular Jews (or so I thought, but we'll get to that). Prior to birthright, I had a misconception that everyone in Israel was religious, but when I learned that only about 1/3 of the country is and the rest of the country considers themselves secular (i.e. not religious), I felt a huge sense of relief. I felt a weight had been lifted off me. So I left Israel at peace with my disbelief, knowing that I could still be Jewish in so much that I support the land of Israel and the Jewish people.

So fast-forward a year to this past month. I am, quite obviously, back in Israel. I don't really know what I was expecting before I came here in terms of what I've been talking about. I think I was expecting to feel the same peace I felt last year: knowing that, despite not believing in god, I am still welcome here because of my love and support for Israel. But honestly, my experience has been completely the opposite. And before I go any further, I must say that I have been having a great time here so far and have loved the friends I have made both in my roommates and in Israelis I have met here. But there are some things I didn't expect and that I didn't really think about until my sister recently asked me, "So has being there changed your views on religion at all?" The following was basically my response, in SMS form, of course.

Being here has only further solidified my religious beliefs (or lack thereof). And it has, truly (unfortunately?) made me feel even less Jewish and less connected to this land than I was before Birthright. First of all, the relief I felt at knowing Jews were secular, rather than religious, is not exactly the dichotomy I thought it was. The secular folk here still pray with tefillin daily, go to services on the high holidays, and fast when they're supposed to. In short, they're not 'not-religious,' they're just less religious than the really-religious people here (and there are some REALLY religious people here). It's not that the secular Jews don't believe in god or any of the stories of Judaism, they just don't observe as many rules as they could, such as keeping Shabbat or always wearing a kippah. And this has greatly led to me feeling less comfortable and more like an outsider here. I was expecting to be around Israelis who, obviously, are Jewish but who don't believe in god. I was expecting to find solidarity with them and maybe be able to better unravel the thoughts in my head. But this hasn't been the case.

Piggy-backing on this, I feel that because don't believe in the same things as the people of this country, that as a result, I am either a.) not welcome in their homes like other people on my program would be or b.) welcome as long as I lie or withhold my thoughts. This sounds easy, but, for example, at Shabbat dinners when you're the only one not washing your hands before a meal (in the ritualized sense, not because of germs) and not saying 'amen' after prayers, your beliefs become pretty clear. And unlike taking on a 'When in Rome' mentality, I just don't feel comfortable doing these things when they go against what I believe...despite that making me a rude dinner guest. They wouldn't pray to a god that they don't believe in, so why should I?

All of this has put a wedge between me and this country and has kind of made me wish I had chosen to spend the year teaching in Europe, where religion isn't ubiquitous (for example, being stranded anywhere from Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown because public transportation doesn't run on Shabbat). I just see the world in such a vastly different way than the people in this country, as well as many people on my program, and it never occurred to me that this might have an affect on my enjoyment of these 10 months. And as a result of all of these observations, I really am struggling now with deciding if I can even consider myself Jewish anymore. Does learning hebrew, living in Israel and eating dinner with a big group of people on some holidays really make me Jewish? How can it when I don't believe in a single thing that makes Judaism, Judaism? I personally feel like a hypocrite saying I'm Jewish, but this question is still a work in progress. And knowing myself, I will eventually come to an answer that brings me peace.

I have been finding solace in two ways. One, I remind myself that I am here for the teaching experience and not, like many of my roommates, to further my Judaism and become more religious. And two, I am very lucky to have a couple other people on my program with me whose thoughts and struggles coincide mine. It's encouraging to have conversations with them about it so I don't constantly feel like I'm hiding something and/or offending someone when I'm asked why I'm not fasting, for example. However, most people here know this fact about me and I am lucky to have roommates who, even though our views differ greatly, are open and non-judgmental to other opinions and, like me, genuinely enjoy discussing these topics.

So this is where I am mentally. It's not the experience you're expected to have when you come to Israel. It's actually quite the contrary. When the Israeli teachers at my mom's and sister's school tell them how excited they are that I am here, I'm sure this is not what they had in mind. But I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances and I'm using the challenge as a time to really examine my own thoughts and become certain in who I am. Unbeknownst to them, each person I meet here is unravelling my thoughts little by little to reveal to me something new about myself. And I'm eager to continue this introspective journey.