"Why I Don't Believe in God", a song by Everclear or the title of my future memoir?

So I'm sitting here, congested and ache-y, on what seems like day 100 of this paradise vacation I'm on, and I'm using it as an opportunity to  reflect on my first month here (tomorrow is our official 1 month anniversary, after all). Today is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year in Israel and the Jewish world. The HOLIEST. And this fact, combined with recent conversations I have had with roommates, has inspired me to write about something that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. And that would be the intersection of being in Israel and my religious beliefs. These beliefs have been gestating in my mind for some time now, but I've never laid them out on paper (er...a MacBook) to examine what they truly are and so this will be a learning experience for both you and me. Please understand that this isn't meant to offend anybody, especially my roommates who are all fasting while I am eating chocolate right in front of them. But as most people feel comfortable publicizing their religious beliefs, I see it only fair that I should able to do the same. Also a disclaimer that this post is long because there is a lot of necessary back story.

To any of you that don't know...surprise! I'm an atheist. For me that means, among other things, that I don't believe in god, in any sort of afterlife, or in the stories told in scriptures. But, as I try to tell my concerned father (and I must say I find it baffling that my disbelief in god concerns him so much, given his 61 years as a free-spirited, open-minded hippie, but that's a topic for another post), this doesn't mean I don't believe in anything. I believe in things, of course...like that people should be honest, caring, and just...I just didn't use a religion to come to these conclusions. I find it equal parts unbearable and captivating when people tell me that they truly believe everything anything written in the old testament. Recently, it is that there is one day (today) in which you repent for all your sins and you do this by not eating for 24 hours, and, depending on how good of a job you did, your name will be written on one side or the other of a book that says whether you will basically live or not.

I think that deep down, I have been an atheist my whole life...I just didn't know that thinking this way was an option. I guess that's what happens when you go to Jewish Day School until 5th grade. I did go through a phase, around my Bat Mitzvah, when I thought I wanted to be religious. I was, after all, the only one of my sisters to go to Jewish Day School and to be bat mitzvah'ed so I thought it was only natural that I should be the one fasting and going to temple on high holidays and actually thinking about the meaning of the prayers we say. But I always felt so empty doing this and so unfulfilled. I guess I didn't question it and thought that it was normal to feel that it was all completely arbitrary. This blind acceptance I did continued all the way through end of high school while I was involved in BBYO (though I did love BBYO and made a lot of good friends there). Finally, I left for college, read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, and, with the help of my now ex-boyfriend, allowed myself to finally come to terms with the fact that I didn't believe in god.

Still, for a while, I continued going to temple on the high holidays because I thought that that's what I was supposed to do. I thought that even if I didn't believe in god, I still maintained that I was Jewish and thus should celebrate Jewish holidays. I thought that since I was Jewish, I should feel Jewish. And I  realized sometime in this past year that I have never really felt Jewish. As hard as I tried sometimes, I can not confidently say there was a time that it was true.

That was, of course, until I went on Birthright last summer. I absolutely adored Birthright. I loved being in Israel and I felt this amazing connection so much that, like one of my roommate's describes, I wanted to kiss the ground. The biggest thing I took away from Birthright was that I can not believe in god and still be Jewish. This was an amazing revelation for me that put many of my concerns at ease. What was the magical answer that solved the paradox of atheism with judaism? Secular Jews (or so I thought, but we'll get to that). Prior to birthright, I had a misconception that everyone in Israel was religious, but when I learned that only about 1/3 of the country is and the rest of the country considers themselves secular (i.e. not religious), I felt a huge sense of relief. I felt a weight had been lifted off me. So I left Israel at peace with my disbelief, knowing that I could still be Jewish in so much that I support the land of Israel and the Jewish people.

So fast-forward a year to this past month. I am, quite obviously, back in Israel. I don't really know what I was expecting before I came here in terms of what I've been talking about. I think I was expecting to feel the same peace I felt last year: knowing that, despite not believing in god, I am still welcome here because of my love and support for Israel. But honestly, my experience has been completely the opposite. And before I go any further, I must say that I have been having a great time here so far and have loved the friends I have made both in my roommates and in Israelis I have met here. But there are some things I didn't expect and that I didn't really think about until my sister recently asked me, "So has being there changed your views on religion at all?" The following was basically my response, in SMS form, of course.

Being here has only further solidified my religious beliefs (or lack thereof). And it has, truly (unfortunately?) made me feel even less Jewish and less connected to this land than I was before Birthright. First of all, the relief I felt at knowing Jews were secular, rather than religious, is not exactly the dichotomy I thought it was. The secular folk here still pray with tefillin daily, go to services on the high holidays, and fast when they're supposed to. In short, they're not 'not-religious,' they're just less religious than the really-religious people here (and there are some REALLY religious people here). It's not that the secular Jews don't believe in god or any of the stories of Judaism, they just don't observe as many rules as they could, such as keeping Shabbat or always wearing a kippah. And this has greatly led to me feeling less comfortable and more like an outsider here. I was expecting to be around Israelis who, obviously, are Jewish but who don't believe in god. I was expecting to find solidarity with them and maybe be able to better unravel the thoughts in my head. But this hasn't been the case.

Piggy-backing on this, I feel that because don't believe in the same things as the people of this country, that as a result, I am either a.) not welcome in their homes like other people on my program would be or b.) welcome as long as I lie or withhold my thoughts. This sounds easy, but, for example, at Shabbat dinners when you're the only one not washing your hands before a meal (in the ritualized sense, not because of germs) and not saying 'amen' after prayers, your beliefs become pretty clear. And unlike taking on a 'When in Rome' mentality, I just don't feel comfortable doing these things when they go against what I believe...despite that making me a rude dinner guest. They wouldn't pray to a god that they don't believe in, so why should I?

All of this has put a wedge between me and this country and has kind of made me wish I had chosen to spend the year teaching in Europe, where religion isn't ubiquitous (for example, being stranded anywhere from Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown because public transportation doesn't run on Shabbat). I just see the world in such a vastly different way than the people in this country, as well as many people on my program, and it never occurred to me that this might have an affect on my enjoyment of these 10 months. And as a result of all of these observations, I really am struggling now with deciding if I can even consider myself Jewish anymore. Does learning hebrew, living in Israel and eating dinner with a big group of people on some holidays really make me Jewish? How can it when I don't believe in a single thing that makes Judaism, Judaism? I personally feel like a hypocrite saying I'm Jewish, but this question is still a work in progress. And knowing myself, I will eventually come to an answer that brings me peace.

I have been finding solace in two ways. One, I remind myself that I am here for the teaching experience and not, like many of my roommates, to further my Judaism and become more religious. And two, I am very lucky to have a couple other people on my program with me whose thoughts and struggles coincide mine. It's encouraging to have conversations with them about it so I don't constantly feel like I'm hiding something and/or offending someone when I'm asked why I'm not fasting, for example. However, most people here know this fact about me and I am lucky to have roommates who, even though our views differ greatly, are open and non-judgmental to other opinions and, like me, genuinely enjoy discussing these topics.

So this is where I am mentally. It's not the experience you're expected to have when you come to Israel. It's actually quite the contrary. When the Israeli teachers at my mom's and sister's school tell them how excited they are that I am here, I'm sure this is not what they had in mind. But I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances and I'm using the challenge as a time to really examine my own thoughts and become certain in who I am. Unbeknownst to them, each person I meet here is unravelling my thoughts little by little to reveal to me something new about myself. And I'm eager to continue this introspective journey.

Freckles on my lip, freck freckles on my lip

I forgot to post this...without further adieu, my Rosh Hashanah post.

Two nights ago Rosalish and I went to our host family for Rosh Hashanah dinner. I'm really glad I went with her because I wanted to see how holidays were done here, plus I knew I would have fun going with her in particular. And, as expected, the dinner was very enlightening and Rosie and I were very...American. 

Once we actually sat down to the meal after waiting for the men to get home from synagogue, there were many toasts for a good, blessed, and sweet new year. Or so it sounded like...they weren't particularly zealous about translating what they were saying to English. There were loaves and loaves of homemade challah, which was absolutely delicious, and a bunch of little dishes with things like honey, apples, pomegranate seeds, etc... In Israel, they have a certain order in which you eat these things. First we dipped apples in honey, then we each ate a fig, then pomegranate seeds, then I forget the order of the rest, but it included carrots, a raw fish head (which I did not partake in), an eggplant/pumpkin/green bean ritual, and dipping the fresh bread in various sauces.

Then they brought out cooked fish and a bunch of appetizer-y things...only I didn't know they were appetizers so I made sure to fill up on them. That was not a good idea. By the time the next two courses came out, I could literally not put a single extra bite in my mouth. But the food was absolutely delicious. There was chicken and lamb and meat things with a cinnamon stick in it, and then spaghetti, potatoes, rice, and tons of veggies.

And then, after all this, and before the huge dessert spread they brought out, were sunflower seeds, nuts and beans. It's a surprise that Israelis stay so skinny if they eat like this all the time.

The main thing that was different between Rosh Hashanah here and Rosh Hashanah at home is that a.) here, they don't sing songs about dipping apples in honey, which I find ludicrous, and b.) they toast about 100 times throughout the meal. Also, they didn't know we were Jewish so they kept saying really obvious things like "Now we're saying a blessing over the wine," or "Now we thank god after the meal we just ate." And we were like...dudes, we know. They also kept propagandizing us like "I hope you see that Israelis are good people..." To which we also responded...dudes, we know.

But about them not being zealous to translate things into English...this meant that Rosie and I spent a good portion of the dinner talking mostly to each other, which as usual meant that hilarity and inappropriate behavior ensued. Like when the father was making a toast, but I didn't know and so I turned to Rosie and said "I have two freckles on my lip" and then rapped about having freckles on my lip (see the title of this post). There were a lot of similar moments that wouldn't be funny unless you were there, but at one point one of the Israelis next to us said "They laughing again??" Apparently banging the table from laughing so hard is not a Rosh Hashanah tradition in Israel...for some reason.

I'm really glad I went and the family was genuinely nice. Oh and the apartment was amazing...you walk from the apartment hallway through their door and immediately onto this beautiful rooftop with the most stunning breeze. I'm not sure that this is the family I'll want to be with for the remainder of the year, but I had a great time. I just hope we didn't give Americans too bad a name. But if we get a bad name for having a good time, then I'm fine with that.

Update from Ashdod

Shalom everybody! I haven't written in such a long time because nothing extremely notable has happened, but I suppose I can update you with what's been happening in Real World: Ashdod (go to Ari, my roommate's, blog ariinashdod.blogspot.co.il for more on this). Right now we're amidst Rosh Hashanah celebrations. We just finished our pedagogical training at Achva College (aka we just finished learning things we already knew for two weeks).  I took some cool ideas away and I made my first laminated worksheets which I was very proud of. But overall, the free coffee and cookies were probably the highlight of the whole training process.

So if any of you haven't yet heard, on Tuesday (September 11th), we heard our first siren here indicating that a rocket had been launched in our direction. We were in the middle of having a Rosh Hashanah toast so LUCKILY Irit was with us because without her, we would have panicked, but she calmly and swiftly ushered us into the safe room...a tiny steel-walled bedroom with an iron grate over the window. There were 17 of us in there. More people were upset by claustrophia than about the impending possibility of death. Of course there were people crying about that too because it was a.) our first time experiencing this and b.) on September 11th. I was actually more excited. The thought did quickly pass through my mind that I might ya know...die...but after that I thought it was cool. I wanted to experience it and thought it wouldn't be an Israel trip without it. Turns out it was a false alarm? Not exactly sure how one of the most modern anti-missile technologies makes a mistake...someone's elbow must have accidentally pressed the Ashdod button or something. Regardless, we are all fine. Also, the Israelis I've made friends with called me immediately after it happened to make sure I was okay. And upon hearing me say "That was so cool!" they were like ...oh...I thought you'd be more panicked. Either way it was very sweet of them to call.

One of the best parts of that was that I skyped Abby's class during the toast. I took them out to balcony so they could see the beach and Abby said "Guys you're looking at Israel right now" and they were like WOAHHHHH! And the time change blew their mind even more. But then they got to watch the Rosh Hashanah toast and said Shana Tova (Hebrew for Happy New Year) to all of us. Irit came up to me and told her that it made her so emotional to see the kids because it means so much to her that people all the way in America care so much about Israel and about the Jewish holidays. It was very touching for all of us and I can't wait to do it again with the kids.

Yesterday I went out by myself for the first time to ride my bike to an "outdoor mall" (really just a shopping plaza) called Star Center to buy a yoga mat. It was nice being by myself for the first time despite almost throwing up from the combination of hangover and heat and despite getting lost like 8 times. I finally found it and, more importantly, I finally have a yoga mat here! Amber and I woke up early to do yoga and pilates this morning. It sounds silly, but I really feel the most alive when I'm doing yoga. I can't really put a word to it. But the past couple days I've been feeling kind of blah and in a rut where nothing sounds good and nothing sounds bad and I have cabin fever, but don't feel like leaving the apartment. Typical blah-ness. But I knew that yoga would help and it delivered as it always does.

Today is Saturday and thus a beach day and tomorrow Rosie and I are going to a host family for Rosh Hashana dinner. I'm very excited to see how the holidays are done in Israel. I'll write again soon! Shana tova!

Visiting our schools for the first time!

Today we got to visit our schools that we'll be working at all year for the first time! We're not actually starting to teach until October 10th, but today we went for an 'Observation Day.' No other city of ITF (Israel Teaching Fellows) got to observe their own school...Irit's just a boss like that. Basically, I absolutely loved it. The principal was so nice and invited me and Nicole (my partner-there are two people per school) to go with her folk dancing and salsa dancing. We learned that:

1. She founded the school herself 22 years ago
2. There are 400 pupils in grades 1-6
3. The kids start learning English in 4th grade, taking it 4 hours a week, but have a small introduction to it in 3rd grade for only 2 hours a week
4. There are 37 kids in every class

But we also learned more interesting things, like THEY DON'T HAVE A LUNCH PERIOD AND NO CAFETERIA!! Apparently this is an Israel-wide thing. They get a few 5-15 minute breaks throughout the day in which they eat snacks in the classroom. Very different from the US, in which I spent my elementary years looking forward to lunch so I could talk about important things with my peers, like American Idol. Also very different in that they don't have to experience the Mean Girls-like panic of trying to decide who you'r going to sit with in the cafeteria (or a bathroom stall, as the case may be). They do get outside breaks, which is good, because brain breaks are important, especially because these kids are crazy enough already. That was the other biggest difference. The schools here are literally mass chaos for the whole day. They don't acknowledge the teacher when she walks in, they call her by her first name, and they run around the entire time. They do stand when the principal walks in though which was interesting. But this poor girl was trying to read a passage from their workbook out loud and I could barely hear her because the other kids were talking the whole time. And they only got marginally yelled at...it's just the culture here. You can see why they grow up not standing in lines and pushing/running into each other why it's no big deal. They are raised in chaos. And by the time I come back, I will probably think America is way too systematized and orderly and boring, but right now it's wonderful acclimating to a new culture.

All the teachers were extraordinarily nice, inviting us to their houses for the upcoming Jewish holidays and just generally being excited to meet us and help us. And, in true Jewish fashion, find us husbands so that we will stay in Israel forever!! Just kidding, but if it was up to them, we would. There are safe rooms in the school, another difference from the US as I don't know too many schools in America that have steel walled rooms that have huge iron doors to them underground in case of an attack (apparently there have been some rockets in Ashdod in the past three years, but have never hit anybody). They talk about things like that very non-chalantly. It's just their life, but they don't let fear of attack keep them from living happy and fulfilled lives. I kind of think like, here, yea its rockets, but there aren't crazies bringing guns into movie theatres or drowning their kids like there are in the US. It's just a different kind of danger. I've honestly felt safer here than I have about seeing the Dark Knight before I left. 

They weren't able to give us too much detail now about what they want US to do i.e. work one-on-one with kids, work with a small group, be a co-teacher in a classroom, etc... I think they want us to decide, but I think it would be more beneficial if they found what would be most helpful for them. It's not like I've done this before. 

All in all it was a wonderful day that made me even more excited to start teaching. The kids absolutely adored us and didn't want us to leave. They kept coming up to us to show off the English they knew and telling us we were beautiful. They even prepared a welcome speech for us in English. It was pretty adorable. 

Now we're off to go on a bike tour of Ashdod with the new bikes we all bought yesterday! And tomorrow I'm going to Jerusalem with one of my main gal pals, Rosie, to see an old friend get sworn into the army. The hostel looks pretty baller and we're planning on going to some really cool place so I'm sure I'll be posting about that soon! Have a good night!

Making friends!

Today was our first day of training for the actual Israel Teaching Fellows program! Israel Teaching Fellows (ITF) is a program in many different cities so all the different cities got bused (bussed?) to a pretty conservative college, Talpiot, that was about 40 minutes from where we live. We took a bus with the ITFers from a city even more South than ours, Be'er Sheva. Apparently, their city, as well as many others in the program are pretty slummy and boring. As you've hopefully been reading, ours is not that way. Everyone else couldn't believe that we spend hours upon hours at the beach. They were just slightly more than jealous. If you forgot, I'll remind you what it looks like.

When we got to the college, they had free coffee for us THANK GOODNESS. We were dying. And my not-able-to-go-to-sleep-before-4am problem isn't conducive for real life things. But so we were welcomed by the CEO of Masa (the grant organization that got us here), a few representatives from the Israeli Ministry of Education (I keep hoping they'll one day say Ministry of Magic), and the president of the college. And they gave us free legal pads! Who doesn't love free school supplies? Then we learned about the Israeli school system a bit, which was interesting. The classes here are big-ish (35-40 kids) and extremely heterogenous in skill level, economic status, and nationality...all of which makes teaching English very difficult. They really charged us that we have the Israeli school system in our hands because they need so much help. Things here aren't as systematized as they are in the US by any means and they basically desperately need us. It really made me excited to start working in the classroom!

Finally, we split off into our cities to do different workshops which we'll be rotating through throughout the next two weeks. Today ours was something like "Using Story Telling as a Springboard for Other Activities."Mildly interesting...not too much I didn't already know, but whatever, we got another free backpack. That makes THREE backpacks I have here. Here are some pics of us from today:

A guy on my trip, Matthew, made this for me!

All of us chillaxin in between workshops

It was fun meeting kids from the other cities. A couple of them seem cool, most of them don't. It made me appreciate my roomies and city more, which is always a good thing. A couple girls were there from GW...only one I recognized but they were all nice.

But really the best friend I made today was the owner of the hardware store near our apartment. We go in there a lot and we became friends the first day I was here, but today when we went in he gave me a huge hello and I was practicing some hebrew words with him. He would tell people prices and I actually knew what they were in English! I was so excited. And then he gave us all a matana, a gift. He gave it to all four of us that were in the store, but I know he likes me the best :) It's a small little dish thing, but you can tell it's genuinely Israeli-made which is cool! I can't wait to decorate my room with eclectic Israeli things. I'll share pictures as I do! Talk to you soon!